We are still waiting for "The Call". It is two days past the baby's due date, so it could be anytime now. It's amazing how much organizing and cleaning one can get done under the pressure of knowing that for the next 2-3 months it will be virtually impossible to do anything but the essentials for survival. If only I could always be this motivated!
So, I had a light bulb moment this morning. Something that should have been obvious, and yet wasn't. And that is the necessity of self-discipline in establishing and adhering to my own routines. For some time now I have been working with the children to establish their morning and evening routines, and have been amazed at how well they are doing with it, not to mention the difference it has made in terms of peace and order in our home. It has taken firmness and consistent vigilance on my part to help them overcome their natural tendencies to shirk their duties, get distracted, or rush through and compromise the quality of their work. This morning I realized that while I am doing a very good job of helping them to become more disciplined, I am not doing a good job at all of modeling discipline to them.
I am compulsive and easily distracted. I get up in the morning and see so many things that need to be
done immediately would be wonderful to accomplish when I have a spare moment. This morning it was listing books and DVDs into PaperBackSwap and SwapaDVD (I must get rid of clutter!) and adding books to my PaperBackSwap wishlist (I must do this now or I'll certainly forget to do it!). And all the while I'm still not dressed, haven't prayed, and haven't had breakfast (really unwise for someone in recovery from an eating disorder). I go back and forth from the computer to monitoring the children's completion of their morning routine, and wonder why they can't stay focused on their tasks. My bed isn't made, and my bedroom is a jumbled clutter of half-packed bags for our trip to Texas, one basket of folded laundry that needs to be put away, and the clothing, earrings, and hair clip I wore yesterday. There is a load of laundry is sitting wrinkled in the dryer that I didn't want to take the time to put away (I was busy doing something else that had to be done right then - only it seems that almost all my laundry gets wrinkled in the dryer and has to be run through again [red-faced]). I get frustrated with the children because they make messes or get into things they shouldn't because I'm trying to compulsively get something done that I want to do instead of properly supervising them. I get irritated with their resistance when I ask them to do something and expect immediate obedience with a cheerful attitude, and yet I cannot be obedient to the call of the dryer buzzer!
I could go on, but I think you get the picture. I could beat myself up about these faults and imperfections, or I could be glad for this moment of clarity, excited about this opportunity to grow, and choose to devise a plan of action. I think I'll go for the latter. And so I shall put my morning routine in writing, recognizing that this is a goal to gradually strive for, not something I need to implement perfectly all at once (and that as soon as I have a newborn in the house, it will of necessity need to be different). My mantras will be First Things First, Keep It Simple, and Take It Easy.
Action Plan Item #1 - Rise early, before the children wake up, fix myself some coffee, and do my spiritual reading/prayer/journaling. This is absolutely essential for me to have peace throughout the day. There is something about turning my thoughts and my heart to God, first thing in the morning. Taking the time to think about the day ahead and to ask for help with the difficulties I expect to encounter and the vices I am working to eradicate keeps me humble. It helps me to avoid my tendency to unconsciously slip into the mindset of trying to figure it all out and do it all by myself.
I know myself. I can go for a few days, maybe even a week or so, without taking time to pray in the morning, but always, always, at some point, usually sooner rather than later, I hit the wall, crash and burn. This could manifest itself as a restless and discontented irritability, with me struggling to white-knuckle patience (or failing altogether and snapping at the kids and making my husband miserable with my criticism), or as a feeling of anxiety or depression.
The solution is simple - pray and ask for help every morning. When I do this consistently, my life goes oh-so-smoothly. Not that I don't have difficult days, but patience and acceptance come with little or no effort, and I am serene. So why do I slip out of this happy habit so easily? I know the answer to this as well - the demon of perfectionism. You see, if I'm going to do this right, it needs to be perfect. The bedroom (where my prayer desk is located) should be completely orderly, candles lit, coffee in hand. I must immediately settle myself into deep, undistracted prayer, and my spiritual reading should lead to the most amazing insights, each and every time. I must know for certain that I have enough time to spend on this endeavor before the children begin to stir, otherwise why even bother to begin? You see my dilemma. I have set up for myself an impossibility. This is an area where I need to realize that good enough is good enough. That the perfect is the enemy of the good. That something is better than nothing. That all I am called to do is what I can, when I can.
And so, my resolution: at a minimum, each and every day upon rising, I will simply kneel and take the 1-2 minutes it takes to say my favorite morning offering prayer. When I have more time, I can do more. This will suffice.
Action Plan Item #2 - Make bed and straighten bedroom, get dressed/fix hair, and clean up breakfast dishes before starting any other activities. This is straight out of Flylady's suggested morning routine, and it works very well, when I do it consistently. These tasks get my home ready for the day, keeps the routine work from piling up, and gets me into the right frame of mind for being useful and productive.
I don't honestly know which of these action items is harder for me. They seem to go hand in hand, if I do one, I generally do well with the other one too, with the result being much more peaceful and smooth operating of my household. But it is such an effort for me to fight my compulsive nature. Something to take to my morning prayer, I suppose!
Or should I title this post How Amazing/Powerful/Good/Tender God Is? Or perhaps it should be If God Can Do This For Me, There's Hope for Anyone, or better yet, What My Grief Looks Like Today, Tomorrow May Look Completely Different? Any of the above would do.
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