These Thy Gifts

How I'm Doing, or Musings on Joy

Or should I title this post How Amazing/Powerful/Good/Tender God Is?  Or perhaps it should be If God Can Do This For Me, There's Hope for Anyone,  or better yet, What My Grief Looks Like Today, Tomorrow May Look Completely Different?  Any of the above would do.

First of all, many thanks to all of you who have expressed your love and concern and kept us in your thoughts and prayers over the last couple of days.  Thank you to those who have expressed your sorrow and compassion and have offered to help (watching the kids yesterday so that Tom and I could have dinner alone was a special blessing - Thanks Karen!).  As I have told many of you, it is truly a comfort to know that so many are praying for us, thinking of us, and suffering with us (English compassion = Latin com [with] + passio [suffering]).

Secondly, can I take back my request that people not bring it up?  Please???  I see now that this was just a weak and futile attempt on my part to avoid pain, that served only to make my dearest friends uncertain and uncomfortable.  I saw this clearly on Monday as I stood, ankle deep in the pool at the Wayne Aquatic Center, all of our kids splashing shrieking with merriment, and wondered why my friends were not mentioning it.  "Do they know, and are just respecting my wishes not to discuss it?" I wondered, "or have they not gotten the email yet, and they don't know?".  I realized that I needed - and so did they - to acknowledge that something had happened.  My friends and loved ones need to express their concern and sorrow, and to just be there for me.  I now know that if I am having a rough day and just need to not talk about it, I can say that, and my friends will understand.  So please, please, forget I ever said that, ok? 

So, how am I doing?  Many have asked, and my reply (at least for now) is that I am doing amazingly well, all things considered.  I say amazingly, because I am actually at one and the same time feeling these uncomfortable unpleasant downright yucky feelings of sadness, disappointment, and feeling such gratitude for what I have, lack of anger or bitterness, and dare I say - joy and happiness.  How is this possible?  This is relatively new for me!

Clearly, this is a gift from God.  To be able to see the big picture and have a long-view perspective.  To not find my joy in whether I get the earthly things I want when I want them, but in whether I'm being the kind of person I want to be, in times of plenty and in times of lack.  And in the certain knowledge that God is doing a great work in me, that by his tender care I am being transformed.  He is making me beautiful.  And that gives me such a sense of being loved so tenderly - how can I not be filled with joy?

Adoption Update - Sad News

A few minutes ago we received confirmation that our adoption of the baby girl has fallen through.  Karla, the baby's birthmother, changed her mind at the last minute.  I am not angry.  I don't blame Karla for not being able to hand her child over to a virtual stranger, never to be seen again.  It is an incredibly difficult thing to do.

I am, however, very disappointed.  It feels something like I would imagine stillbirth or late-term miscarriage must feel, although thank God it is only our hopes and dreams that have died, and not the child.  This is the third time we have had an adoption fail just before or at the time of birth.  There just is no pain-free or risk-free way of adding a child to one's family, whether one is blessed with fertility or not.  Love means taking that risk, making oneself vulnerable, and being willing to sacrifice one's own comfort for the sake of another.  And so, we will try again.  I'm not sure yet when, or how, but we are open, and will just continue to be grateful for and love the two blessings we have while we wait to see what happens next.  As Nathan said when we told him that our family is not going to get this baby, "Well mommy, maybe God is going to give us a different baby!".

Speaking of God's will, I have learned not to assume that I know what that is, or that just because something is His will that it will automatically happen.  God respects our free will, even when it's against His.  The first time we attempted to adopt, I prayed "Thy will, not mine be done" all the way through, but felt confident that of course it had to be God's will for us to parent that child!  With that mindset, that was a very safe prayer for me to pray.  When that adoption failed I was absolutely devastated, to the point where my faith was very shaken indeed.  I am glad (for multiple reasons!) that three weeks after that adoption fell through, our Nathan was born and we were chosen, because I was VERY angry with God and very confused.  Now I wonder, was it God's will all along that the first potential adoption be just a preparation for the one He really intended us to parent?  Or did he really want us to have that first baby, but blessed us with a different child when the first birthparents didn't go along with His plan?  I don't know, and it no longer matters, because what I DO know is that God is good, all the time, and wants to bless us with children.  The world and all of us in it, however, are fallen and don't always go along with His plans.

I do have one request for our family, friends, and acquaintances.  I hope this doesn't sound too controlling, but for me one of the hardest parts of grieving a loss like this is having to tell everyone.  I wish I could call everyone personally to tell them, but it's too hard to tell the story over and over again, so for the sake of expediency I resort to email, please forgive me for that.  My actual request is this - I know that people want to comfort me and yet don't really know what to say.  Please know that it is enough to know that you are sorry about what happened and are praying for me, that IS very comforting.  It really helps me though not to have to talk about it or answer a lot of questions about it unless and until I am ready to do so.  From experience, I know that I need some space and privacy to process all that has happened, and will talk about it when I'm ready.  Thanks SO much for being understanding about that!

Finally, we ask that you would continue to pray for Karla and the baby, for their welfare, and for Karla to get the help she will need for her family.  It won't be easy for her, as a single mother, to care for three children under five, but she does have the right to try and we wish her nothing but the best in her efforts.

Adoption Update

It's been quite a while since I've posted and you all probably think it's because Brandon came home with us and I'm too busy to keep up with the blog.  Well, I am too busy to keep up with the blog right now, but not because Brandon is with us.  While we were in Hawaii visiting my parents (who are retired there) for most of December, we learned that Brandon's placement with us was not going to work out.  But, within a day, we got a call asking if we'd be interested in being considered for a baby girl due at the end of January.  Of course we said yes, and two weeks ago learned that we had been chosen to adopt her!

This baby is due in a little over a week, on January 29th, in Houston, Texas (we live in Michigan).  It has been just nutty around here, a whirlwind of activity!  Our homestudy, which is up to date in Michigan, is not current enough for Texas, so all of us needed to get physicals, bloodwork, TB tests, fingerprinted, criminal clearance checks, etc.  I've also been trying to cook a few meals for the freezer, and of course, get every room and closet completely organized and cleaned - high-gear nesting!

And there are so many logistics to be worked out.  When we get the call that Karla (the baby's birthmother) has gone into labor, Tom and I will hop on the next plane to be there for the birth.  If she decides to proceed with the placement, Karla will sign relinquishment documents 48 hours later, at which time the baby will be discharged from the hospital.  Tom will then fly back to Michigan to be with the boys and get back to work - he's at the university and cannot get away for that long in the middle of the term.  I will need to stay in Texas with the baby for another 10-12 days before I can legally bring the baby home.

We initially wanted to bring the boys with us to Texas, but decided against it since for the birth and the next 48 hours, they can't really be with us at the hospital, and there is no way I'd be able to take care of them, me, and a newborn by myself with nothing for them to do and no one for them to play with for the following 10-12 days.  So we decided to hire a trusted college-age sitter as a temporary nanny, and went out and purchased a laptop with built-in webcam so we can have video calls while we're gone.

I've had amazingly calm and serene about all of this, really no anxiety at all except the very natural concern about how the boys (and I!) will do being separated for two weeks.  I know that we could get the call at any moment, and there are still many things to be done, but I haven't felt stressed at all, just very focused and productive.   I trust that if this is God's will, everything will work out and I don't need to figure it all out or worry, I just need to do the next thing in front of me and ask God to take care of the rest.  And He has!  It's been fun to watch Him do it.  With no effort on my part save an email to friends stating our needs, we have been generously offered a private home to stay in which is less than 2 miles from the hospital, enough donor breastmilk to get us through the first two weeks in Texas, the loan of a bassinet, and that college-age sitter that I mentioned above to watch the boys?  She just happened to be off classes this term and in between jobs.  Not to mention the offers of meals, baby clothes, playdates for the boys while I'm gone, and more donor breastmilk for our use when we return.

I know full well that Karla could still change her mind, but feel at peace with that too.  My prayer is simply that she will have the wisdom and courage to make the best possible choice for her, her baby, and her other two daughters, and that she will have peace and consolation with her decision.  The thing that has been a little strange though is not having any time to just enjoy the anticipation of this new baby, or fully process and grieve the failure of Brandon's adoption.   I did have one moment of melt-my-heart sweetness when a friend brought over a bag of very pink baby sleepers, but aside from that it's been a mixture of busy preparation and taking every moment I can to snuggle and play with the boys before our impending separation.

Please pray for us, and stay tuned for more breaking news!

National Adoption Awareness Month

Mary Beth Bonacci of Real Love, Inc. gets it right again. 

We all picture ourselves in some sort of “Madonna and Child” setting, cuddling a perfect little infant whose eyes look exactly like ours.  Someone else’s child – perhaps even a child someone else has damaged – just doesn’t fit into the picture.

But maybe God has a different picture in mind. 

There are SO many children who need families to love them.  If only we would all, fertile and infertile alike, open our hearts and our homes to even one of these neediest of children, what a real difference we could make in the world.

And for those of us who have experienced infertility (and believe me, I get it!), when we get to the other side, when we fully surrender to God's desire for us to allow our suffering to become something redemptive, to give life in a way differently than we had expected, to see what a gift it truly is to have our parenting be more about giving than getting - what joy awaits us!  In a way, our calling is a opportunity to learn a higher, more noble, more selfless love.  And in that, we get so much more than we give - or ever expected.

On the last day, Jesus will say to those on His right hand, "Come, enter the Kingdom.  For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was sick and you visited me."  Then Jesus will turn to those on His left hand and say, "Depart from me because I was hungry and you did not feed me, I was thirsty and you did not give me to drink, I was sick and you did not visit me."  These will ask Him, "When did we see You hungry, or thirsty or sick and did not come to Your help?"  And Jesus will answer them, "Whatever you neglected to do unto one of these least of these, you neglected to do unto Me!"

Here are just a few of Michigan's waiting children (click on each for more information) - waiting for someone to love them - to be Christ to them.  Maybe it's you.  Maybe it's me.

Adoption News!

What a wonderful Thanksgiving, Advent, and Christmastime this will be - we are expecting!  Brandon has been in foster care since birth and has recently been made available for adoption.  He will be two at the end of January, only three months younger than Zachary!  I always wondered what it would be like to have twins, and it looks like I am about to find out.

There are many details we do not yet know, but we do know that we are meant to be his forever family, and he is meant to be our dearly beloved son.  A little over a month ago, you may recall that we had a couple of potential adoption situations in the works.  Brandon was one of them, and the other was a baby girl due in December.  We were open to and excited about both and would have taken both if we could have.  But here is what ended up happening ...

I had been very excited about Brandon in particular - more so even than the baby girl.  While we would love to be blessed with a daughter someday, my heart just went out to this little boy who, being older and full African-American, would have a harder time finding a good loving home.  I knew that he would thrive in our home, with two older brothers and two experienced parents to love him, and all the resources and developmental activities that we are able to offer in our home environment.

So, I called our social worker to see what was happening with Brandon and was informed that the agency was trying to decide between our family and another equally qualified and suitable couple who had no children yet.  As soon as I heard that, I asked that they bless this other couple with Brandon, as I vividly remembered what it felt like to be desperately desiring to be parents, and knew that the most important thing was that little Brandon end up in a loving, nurturing home.  I also knew that if God had more children in mind for us, I didn't need to try to manipulate or control anything, that he would arrange for those children to come to us at the right time.  In the meantime, the baby girl's birthmother decided to place her baby with another couple.  I was at complete peace with all of this.

Well!  Last Thursday we received a call asking if we were still interested in Brandon, as the other couple ended up declining him.  Their loss, our gain!!!  Of course we are interested, and so it seems that he was meant to be ours all along.  God is so very good.

We will be meeting with our social worker on Monday December 3rd to learn more about Brandon and how and when the transition process will happen.  In the meantime, PLEASE pray for me, as I do feel a bit overwhelmed with how much there is to do to prepare for our upcoming Christmas trip to Hawaii (my parents live there) and all the other preparations for Brandon's homecoming after the New Year.

New This Month on the Sidebars

If you have Pre-K through young elementary children be sure to check out the new Language Arts and Math lists on the left sidebar.  These are some of the better learning sites I've found for the youngest bunch.  If your kids are older, check them out anyways, as many of the sites have areas for older kids too if you navigate back to the home page.

November is National Adoption Awareness Month, so I've added an Adoption Book Basket highlighting some of our favorites.  There is a lot of adoption literature out there for kids, we've chosen ones that are the most helpful for our situation (newborns adopted domestically).

Enjoy, and please comment if you visit to let me know if you find something helpful!

Touching Base

Wow, it's been a busy week.  I have SO many ideas for posts swimming around in my head, but haven't had a spare moment to get them onto the screen.  At times like these I really admire my mommy friends with larger families - how do they do it?  I suppose they do it about the same way I do with just my two little ones - one day at a time, becoming more clever and efficient with time management and a clearer understanding of true priorities as a necessity along the way.  As much as I'd love to have the time to blog every day, realistically, I cannot allow the blogging to interfere with my mission, which is to educate my children in the ways of love and life.  And in order to do that well, I also need to nurture and protect my relationships with God and my husband, and care for myself as well.  When properly used, my time spent blogging will serve me and my family in this mission, not detract from it.

That being said, here's what I've been up to recently: I have begun an online Montessori training program for 3-6 year olds and am loving it.  Three days a week enrolled students are emailed Montessori presentation downloads, pictures of presentations, and various other files.  If we have questions, we email our AMS-certified instructor and receive detailed answers several days later.  It's inexpensive, doable for a busy mom, and very worthwhile and edifying.

Tomorrow I begin training to become a catechist for Catechesis of the Good Shepherd.  I am excited and yet a little apprehensive about this as it is a huge commitment.  Ten months of once per month 8am-5pm training, with quite a bit of reading and labor-intensive assignments in between.  Can I do this?  While I definitely get a sense in prayer that I am called to pursue this, time will tell.  I have also enrolled Nathan in a Catechesis of the Good Shepherd Atrium in Detroit on Thursday afternoons so that he can benefit from participation, and I can learn more by observing and assisting.

We are also waiting to hear if we have been selected as forever family for a couple of adoption situations.  It's funny - when we found out we were infertile, we thought our hopes and dreams for a larger-than-average family had been dashed.  We were told that we'd be lucky to adopt one newborn, extremely lucky to get two, and that if we wanted more we'd need to switch to international or special needs.  But the reality is that since we are now a biracial family, we get contacted quite frequently about various newborns and very young children needing good loving homes.  This past summer, we had 5 different opportunities presented to us, all but one of which we needed to decline due to practical/timing issues (the other was a biological relation to one of our sons, but fell through).  Now we feel our youngest is old enough for me to handle another baby, and again the possibilities keep coming!  Stay tuned, I'll let you know as soon as we know anything.  The one thing that is truly wonderful for me about being in this place (as opposed to where I was emotionally 5 years ago) is that I am so laid-back and surrendered to God's will and timing as to who and when and how (or even whether) our future children join our family.  I've learned to radically trust God's plan because I finally actually believe in my heart (instead of just in my head) that God really is good and really does want the absolute best for me, I have no need to fear or be anxious about anything.  I'm so grateful!