These Thy Gifts

Growing Child

Growing Child is an excellent resource that every parent of young children should know about.  Among other things, they publish a monthly newsletter to tell parents all about early childhood development, how to ensure that proper development takes place, and why early learning experiences are important for future learning. [The founder] engaged child development experts from across the country to write the newsletter which now covers the first six years of growth.

The newsletter is tied to your child's actual age.  Ah, the wonders of modern technology!  When you subscribe you enter in your child's birthdate, so that each issue is developmentally appropriate, telling you month by month what to expect.  You can also choose to receive the monthly newsletters all at once in three books, one book for each two-year segment.  There is a (very reasonable) charge for the newsletters/books, and they make a great gift for a new parent.

I also especially like their free twice-monthly Grandma Says email, which is written as if it is from an experienced and expert mentor to a first-time parent and never fails to provide me with a new insight to help me become a more understanding and compassionate (hence less frustrated!) mother.  Here is the most recent email:

TEN ANNOYING BEHAVIORS THAT SHOW YOUR CHILD IS OK

As you are raising your children, here's one thing that no one prepares you for: There are behaviors that are both annoying and nerve-wracking to live through that are part of perfectly normal child development. Let's bring them out in the open so that you don't have to worry in private that you have given birth to a weird kid. In fact, it is time to start worrying if none of these things happen.

1. Before the first birthday, your sociable little darling suddenly begins to scream when confronting an unfamiliar face--which may include Grandma if she hasn't visited recently. All this shows is that true attachment to parents has occurred--hurrah!

2. About 18 months, your child lives to dump---anything, anywhere. Dumping food or the sugar bowl is every bit as much fun as dumping blocks--even more so is the satisfying howl from the nearest parent. Physical exploration leads to understanding.

3. By two years, your child yells "Me! Mine!" when asked to share a toy with a visiting playmate. While this doesn't make for smooth play dates, it is about as normal as you can get.

4. When you send your two-and-a-half-year-old to wash his hands before dinner, it takes a full half hour and the bathroom resembles the aftermath of a cyclone. Water play takes precedence over cleanliness or obedience any time.

5. Around age three, you can count on her spilling milk at the lunch table every single day. I vividly remember despairing that we were raising a complete klutz. But just consider the number of things that are competing for her attention at mealtime.

6. When your child is about three and a half, you can bet that most of his or her waking hours will be spent in character and costume as "Spiderman!" or "Wonder Woman!" There's just something about those powerful images that captivate the imagination of someone who has little power beyond choosing a breakfast cereal.

7. Don't be shocked when you discover your child-- about age four--exploring bodies with a friend or two. This doesn't indicate deviant interests but a perfectly normal curiosity about other children's anatomy.

8. Somewhere around age four and a half, you will wonder if your child is heading for a career in competitive sports or politics. Children at this age become preoccupied with "winning," being the "biggest" and the "best," even competing on whose dad is the strongest. Not a problem--how else do you begin to figure out where you measure up in relation to others?

9. The five-year-old who is sweetly amenable to most adult suggestions becomes a virtual tyrant when there are younger children nearby to boss around. Again, it's not too difficult to figure out. About this time, children have to comply with adult guidelines for behavior in school and at home. It's natural to want to exercise a bit of authority over someone younger.

10. When your school-age child comes home after a long school day, don't be surprised to hear a muttered "You're not the boss of me" when you make a simple request. It's kind of the equivalent of getting out from under the control of the supervisor at work.

See? Your child is really just as normal as all the others of the same age. And you'll both live through it.

Free Organizing Download

This week at Homeschool eStore (which apparently, is about to change it's name to CurrClick).  Get the download here, and be sure to sign up for their weekly email - they have free downloads every week!

Another Gem

... from Colleen:

"Tend the flock of God in your midst, overseeing not by constraint, but willingly...Do not lord it over those assigned to you, but be an example to the flock.  And when the chief Shepherd is revealed, you will receive the unfading crown of glory."

It doesn't get much clearer than that, does it?  There is no question for those of us who live in families which flock of God we're to tend.  The question needing to be answered is a matter of the heart.  What keeps us from tending our flock willingly?  What makes us irritable, short-tempered, and overwhelmed?  What makes us want to run away from it all for a few hours or day or....What prevents us from being an example to our flock?  In my experience, when I find myself fussing, pointing my finger, and honing in on my family's shortcomings, it's usually because I'm feeling the sting of my own faults rather acutely.  What brings on those episodes in your life? Lent is  a time to remove the blocks in our lives that keep us from following God with our whole hearts.  God's will for us and our path to heaven are to tend the flock of our family willingly and eagerly.  What is in our way? There's still enough Lent left to get rid of it. 

Read the rest here.

For Colleen, her answer is too much stuff.  While I can certainly relate to that, for myself the answer is lack of consistency in morning prayer time.  Which I've already written about.  And continue to struggle with.  But that's okay - progress, not perfection, eh?  And there is definitely progress.

Decluttering Myself

The sadness over the adoption loss has hit me and I haven't felt much like writing over the past couple of weeks.  So I thought I'd just share a post that I've enjoyed recently.

Colleen over at Footprints on the Fridge has a delightful post that gave me a real "Aha!" moment.  In my efforts to simplify my life, I've put a lot of focus on decluttering my home.  You know - the closets, getting rid of unnecessary kitchen tools and serving ware, paring down our clothing to what we truly need, love, and actually wear, purging the toy collection of all that doesn't get used (and all that annoys me!), and many other practical things.  It's been a very worthwhile effort and fruitful in more ways than I even imagined it could be.  But I hadn't really thought of the necessity of decluttering myself.  Decluttering my mind from all the unnecessary expectations of what I can accomplish in a day, from constantly thinking I should be doing every wonderful activity others are doing, from beating myself up when at the end of a busy day there is laundry left unfolded.  Perhaps I've already made a start on this mental decluttering with my Lenten decision to fast from list-making.  I'm glad for the opportunity to ponder what other kind of interior clutter I can begin to let go.  Thanks Colleen!

Litany of Humility

I have been including this prayer lately (because I stand in such need of greater humility!) in my morning prayer time, and wanted to share it because it has been so fruitful.  Not so much in terms of me being all of a sudden perfectly and at all times humble, although I do see gradual progress, but because it is teaching me what true humility actually is.

Note: For those who have never prayed a litany, every time you see an ellipses, repeat the previous bolded phrase.  It's as easy as that!

Litany of Humility

Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val; (1865-1930) Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, hear me. 
          From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.          

From the desire of being loved...
          From the desire of being extolled ...
          From the desire of being honored ...
          From the desire of being praised ...
          From the desire of being preferred to others...
          From the desire of being consulted ...
          From the desire of being approved ...

          From the fear of being humiliated ...
          From the fear of being despised...
          From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
          From the fear of being calumniated ...
          From the fear of being forgotten ...
          From the fear of being ridiculed ...
          From the fear of being wronged ...
          From the fear of being suspected ...

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

          That others may be esteemed more than I ...
          That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease ...
          That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
          That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
          That others may be preferred to me in everything...
          That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

Amen.

At first, it scared me to pray this prayer.  I thought it was asking me to never be loved, praised, or consulted, and to want to be humiliated, despised, and ridiculed.  But then I realized that it was instead asking me to just let go of the desire to be loved, praised, or consulted, and to not fear being humiliated, despised, and ridiculed.  A big difference!  How freeing it would be to no longer be enslaved by my desires and fears, although I trust that I will indeed continue to be loved by some, and unnoticed by others.

In fact, I found it especially powerful this morning, when I prayed this prayer, to rephrase it like this:

I am loved, I am extolled, I am honored, etc.  Thank you for this gift, but help me not to need it.

I have been, and will be again, humiliated.  I have been, and will be again, despised, etc.  Help me not to fear it.

Others are esteemed more than I, others are chosen while I am set aside, etc. Help me to be glad for them and not envious.

I pray that this will help others as much as it is helping me!  Thank God for the communion of saints (meaning Cardinal Merry del Val, not me)!

Let's Get Real

You may have noticed.  I've been making a purposeful attempt to be more transparent on the blog, revealing my life in all it's greatness and insignificance, health and disorder, attractiveness and ugliness for the world to see.  I made the decision to risk it in the hopes that others who also struggle with the same things might know that they are not alone.  In the hopes that others who have triumphed where I still struggle might offer me words of encouragement or helpful suggestions.  In the hopes that in the areas where I have conquered my defects, I might offer suggestions or encouragement to others.

 

And it is a risk.  People might not like me anymore, be repulsed, not think so highly of me if I show them the toilet that hasn't been scrubbed in a week, the piles of paper on my desk, the unfolded laundry in baskets scattered around the house, and how often I feed my kids takeout - or if I show them the emotional, mental, or moral counterparts to those housekeeping imperfections!  At least that's what the perfectionist, cares-way-too-much-what-others-think, not-good-enough, insecure part of me thinks.  But hmmm, how insecure am I really if I'm ultimately willing to post this crap stuff anyways?  How is it that I can be at one and the same time so good and so bad so healthy and so disordered?  Have you noticed how much I love Typepad's strikeout feature?  But I digress ...

This is actually one of the reasons I took a blogging hiatus recently.  While I thrive on all the positive feedback I've been receiving online and off (and I do - legitimately I think - need the encouragement of knowing that someone is reading this, enjoying it, and benefiting from it), I was extremely uncomfortable with how often others would say things like "You are so put-together!", "Someday I hope to be as organized (or disciplined, or spiritually advanced) as you", or the like.  HA!  Only people who don't really know me would say things like that.  If you think that about me, you need to spend a day in my house - or better yet, in my head!!!

The reality is that I struggle with things just as much as the next person, if not more.  I most emphatically do not have it all together.  While I fully expect, with God's help, to keep making gradual progress towards that lofty goal, I don't ever expect to reach it in this lifetime.  Yes, there are some things that I do well, certain aspects of my life with which, at least for right now, I am quite pleased (and this primarily because they make my life so much easier!).  But please know that each of these areas was a long time coming.  They were not accomplished by my own paltry strength or intellect.  They are the fruit of prayer and God's grace, patiently offered over and over and over again until I was finally willing and able to receive it.  The only thing I myself did was ask for the help and be willing to cooperate when it was given.  And even the willingness to ask and cooperate is itself a great grace for which I've had to beg.  And the willingness to be willing to beg is a grace, and so on.

So please, keep on encouraging me, keep on asking questions if you think I might be able to help in some way, keep on letting me know if some of these hard-earned beaten-into-my-hard-head nuggets of wisdom are helpful to you.  But please stop comparing or assuming or despairing, okay?  Great.  Now let's get real together.

How I'm Doing, or Musings on Joy

Or should I title this post How Amazing/Powerful/Good/Tender God Is?  Or perhaps it should be If God Can Do This For Me, There's Hope for Anyone,  or better yet, What My Grief Looks Like Today, Tomorrow May Look Completely Different?  Any of the above would do.

First of all, many thanks to all of you who have expressed your love and concern and kept us in your thoughts and prayers over the last couple of days.  Thank you to those who have expressed your sorrow and compassion and have offered to help (watching the kids yesterday so that Tom and I could have dinner alone was a special blessing - Thanks Karen!).  As I have told many of you, it is truly a comfort to know that so many are praying for us, thinking of us, and suffering with us (English compassion = Latin com [with] + passio [suffering]).

Secondly, can I take back my request that people not bring it up?  Please???  I see now that this was just a weak and futile attempt on my part to avoid pain, that served only to make my dearest friends uncertain and uncomfortable.  I saw this clearly on Monday as I stood, ankle deep in the pool at the Wayne Aquatic Center, all of our kids splashing shrieking with merriment, and wondered why my friends were not mentioning it.  "Do they know, and are just respecting my wishes not to discuss it?" I wondered, "or have they not gotten the email yet, and they don't know?".  I realized that I needed - and so did they - to acknowledge that something had happened.  My friends and loved ones need to express their concern and sorrow, and to just be there for me.  I now know that if I am having a rough day and just need to not talk about it, I can say that, and my friends will understand.  So please, please, forget I ever said that, ok? 

So, how am I doing?  Many have asked, and my reply (at least for now) is that I am doing amazingly well, all things considered.  I say amazingly, because I am actually at one and the same time feeling these uncomfortable unpleasant downright yucky feelings of sadness, disappointment, and feeling such gratitude for what I have, lack of anger or bitterness, and dare I say - joy and happiness.  How is this possible?  This is relatively new for me!

Clearly, this is a gift from God.  To be able to see the big picture and have a long-view perspective.  To not find my joy in whether I get the earthly things I want when I want them, but in whether I'm being the kind of person I want to be, in times of plenty and in times of lack.  And in the certain knowledge that God is doing a great work in me, that by his tender care I am being transformed.  He is making me beautiful.  And that gives me such a sense of being loved so tenderly - how can I not be filled with joy?

Resources for Preschool Education

A reader writes:

I was contacted recently by a gal who is interested in home schooling materials for her four-year-old twins who will be entering kindergarten year after next.  I know from your blog that you are very interested in preschool education, and I wondered if you could suggest some resources for her.  Even though I have a number of years [of home education] under my belt, I don't have much to offer her in the way of preschool materials.  I do not begin formal schooling until my kids are about seven.  Any thoughts?

I've gotten much of my education on preschool education (and beyond) at the 4Real boards. That would be a great place for her to start.  I myself am quite partial to the philosophy and methods of both Maria Montessori and Charlotte Mason.  Browsing on the 4Real boards will yield lots of great threads - the hard-earned wisdom of many seasoned home-educating moms is graciously given there, saving many hours of wheel-reinventing for those of us who are just getting started.  Some of the books I found most helpful to get started were Elizabeth Foss' Real Learning, Karen Andreola's Charlotte Mason Companion, and David Gettman's Basic Montessori.

I want to point out that while it may seem like I do a lot of formal work with my 4yo, it just appears that way.  We're actually quite relaxed.  My focus for myself at this stage (with a preschooler and a toddler), in addition to learning about all the different types of education options and philosophies out there, is getting my routines down for my own physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being (as I can't give what I don't have); getting my home decluttered and organized; and getting routines in place for the efficient management of housekeeping, laundry, and meal preparation (this is my most difficult area!).

Included in home organization is the creation of a prepared environment (this is a Montessori term) to facilitate auto-education (another Montessori term).  At this time in my home, this encompasses our learning room, baskets of living books (a Charlotte Mason term) covering various subjects around the house, and lots of opportunities for practical life work (another Montessori term).  I do very little formal teaching with my 4yo.  We read together often, he participates in much of what I do around the house, watches a limited amount of carefully chosen television and DVDs, chooses a variety of work as he wills in the learning room, and asks lots of very interesting questions that I answer if I can, or we search out the answers together online or at the library.  He also plays with friends often and recently started attending a play-based preschool just for fun, which is three days a week for two hours.  I try to take full advantage of his absorbent mind and sensitive periods through learning how to carefully observe his interests and abilities (three more Montessori concepts), and providing opportunities for him to gradually overcome his difficulties or draw him into further learning.  The only thing I would consider formal at this point is the presentations (Montessori again) I do to introduce new work in the learning room, or new practical life work.  For an overview of the Montessori method, including explanation of the many terms and concepts I've used here, see Lori's excellent Montessori Basics.

This is working very well for us.  Nathan is reading fluently and independently (he is extraordinarily gifted in this area), and either on-track or ahead of schedule in other language arts, math, every area of science, geography, art appreciation and music appreciation.  He is (for the most part) helpful, respectful, polite, generous, affectionate, aware of and able to express what he is feeling, creative, articulate and interesting to converse with, a delight to spend time with, and has a strong sense of how much he is loved (by us and by God).  He has wide-ranging interests, among which are currently reading high-quality children's literature, weather (normal seasonal weather and extreme weather conditions), listening to classical music, figuring out how things work (lately stoplights, engines, and transmissions), and negative numbers.  There is no distinction between learning and enjoyment.  I do not push him to learn anything, we do not overschedule ourselves with a multitude of activities (at home or otherwise), I simply respond to his natural curiosity and take full advantage of it.  Oh - and I attempt to keep twaddle (a Charlotte Mason term) out of our home.  I'll save that for another post, another day.

I plan to educate Nathan at home for kindergarten, and my only plans to do anything new or different are to formally teach handwriting and to sit down with him more often to create art of all types (not something he naturally gravitates to, but something I consider essential for a comprehensive education).

Fasting on Sundays?

In reference to my Ash Wednesday post, a reader asks:

Happy Lent! I once asked my parish priest about being able to do whatever I gave up for Lent on Sunday, and he told me that while that some Catholics do this, it isn't technically correct to do so. I had never heard of people doing this until I went to college. Do many people do this at your church? Not too many do at mine.

That is interesting.  All the priests I have ever heard discuss it have said the exact opposite.  If you look at the calendar, you will notice that if you include Sundays, there are 46 days from Ash Wednesday until Easter Sunday.  But, there are only 40 days of Lent.  My understanding is that this is because every Sunday throughout the whole year is really a mini-Easter, a celebration of Christ's resurrection and victory over death.  So we don't fast on Sundays.  I think many people are not aware of this, or, if they are aware of this, some people choose to fast on Sundays anyways because it's easier for them to just be consistent rather than start and stop with their chosen penance.

For more info see this article, particularly this quote from the last sentence:

And Sunday is never a day of fasting (not even during Lent).

and this article (scroll down to the second Q and A).

Adoption Update - Sad News

A few minutes ago we received confirmation that our adoption of the baby girl has fallen through.  Karla, the baby's birthmother, changed her mind at the last minute.  I am not angry.  I don't blame Karla for not being able to hand her child over to a virtual stranger, never to be seen again.  It is an incredibly difficult thing to do.

I am, however, very disappointed.  It feels something like I would imagine stillbirth or late-term miscarriage must feel, although thank God it is only our hopes and dreams that have died, and not the child.  This is the third time we have had an adoption fail just before or at the time of birth.  There just is no pain-free or risk-free way of adding a child to one's family, whether one is blessed with fertility or not.  Love means taking that risk, making oneself vulnerable, and being willing to sacrifice one's own comfort for the sake of another.  And so, we will try again.  I'm not sure yet when, or how, but we are open, and will just continue to be grateful for and love the two blessings we have while we wait to see what happens next.  As Nathan said when we told him that our family is not going to get this baby, "Well mommy, maybe God is going to give us a different baby!".

Speaking of God's will, I have learned not to assume that I know what that is, or that just because something is His will that it will automatically happen.  God respects our free will, even when it's against His.  The first time we attempted to adopt, I prayed "Thy will, not mine be done" all the way through, but felt confident that of course it had to be God's will for us to parent that child!  With that mindset, that was a very safe prayer for me to pray.  When that adoption failed I was absolutely devastated, to the point where my faith was very shaken indeed.  I am glad (for multiple reasons!) that three weeks after that adoption fell through, our Nathan was born and we were chosen, because I was VERY angry with God and very confused.  Now I wonder, was it God's will all along that the first potential adoption be just a preparation for the one He really intended us to parent?  Or did he really want us to have that first baby, but blessed us with a different child when the first birthparents didn't go along with His plan?  I don't know, and it no longer matters, because what I DO know is that God is good, all the time, and wants to bless us with children.  The world and all of us in it, however, are fallen and don't always go along with His plans.

I do have one request for our family, friends, and acquaintances.  I hope this doesn't sound too controlling, but for me one of the hardest parts of grieving a loss like this is having to tell everyone.  I wish I could call everyone personally to tell them, but it's too hard to tell the story over and over again, so for the sake of expediency I resort to email, please forgive me for that.  My actual request is this - I know that people want to comfort me and yet don't really know what to say.  Please know that it is enough to know that you are sorry about what happened and are praying for me, that IS very comforting.  It really helps me though not to have to talk about it or answer a lot of questions about it unless and until I am ready to do so.  From experience, I know that I need some space and privacy to process all that has happened, and will talk about it when I'm ready.  Thanks SO much for being understanding about that!

Finally, we ask that you would continue to pray for Karla and the baby, for their welfare, and for Karla to get the help she will need for her family.  It won't be easy for her, as a single mother, to care for three children under five, but she does have the right to try and we wish her nothing but the best in her efforts.

Ash Wednesday

I'm hungry.  Really hungry.  It's Ash Wednesday, a day of fasting and abstinence.  No meat, no snacks, and only one normal size meal.  This is hard for me, a recovering food addict, and yet - I love it.  This is one of my favorite times of the liturgical year.  A time to be "forced" (not really, I choose to participate, but the external motivation really helps) to rebalance.  To focus more on what really matters and to allow myself to be pulled away from those things I've become overly attached to in the past year.

I've been thinking and praying about what God would have me do this year for my Lenten observances.  And what I am led to focus on is relationships.  I'd like to, with God's help, take a good hard look at those things that get in the way of my relationship with Him, with my husband, and with my friends.

Prayer

• Prayer of St. Ephrem every morning (see Elizabeth's post).  This one is for me, a seasonally appropriate addition to my morning prayer routine.
• One decade (at least) of the Rosary at bedtime with the kids.  This one is for us as a family.  The kids love praying together, when we do it.  We just need to get more consistent about it.
• Night prayer from the liturgy of the hours with Tom every night before bed.  This one is for our marriage, to grow closer to the Lord as a couple.  For some reason, we've really struggled in our eleven years to establish and maintain a consistent couple prayer regimen.  We even attended a Couple Prayer workshop that was really quite well done, but didn't "take" for us.  This will be a nice way to end the day together.

Fasting

• I will forego my beloved seltzer water (I have very few legitimate indulgences in the food and drink arena these days, so this one is quite a sacrifice for me!)
  
• Tom and I are giving up our almost nightly TV-series-on-DVD viewing (goodbye Lost, 24, Gray's Anatomy, and MI-5, except on Sundays of course!) and have high hopes for more culture, diversity, and interaction in how we spend our leisure hours together.  Such as playing board games, looking at our many, yet sadly, almost never-viewed home movies and photo albums, listening to music, watching our family Christmas gift of Sister Wendy's Complete Collection, or just talking - options abound!
• No more lists.  This one sounds strange, I know, but I have really become attached to constant list-making, to the point where I feel anxiety if I can't write down every thing I really must do today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year even.  Instead, I'm choosing to trust that between common sense and God's leading, I can be doing in each moment exactly what I ought, whether it be work, prayer, rest, or play.

Almsgiving

• I'd like to get caught up with some friends that I've fallen out of close contact with.  I am terrible at keeping in touch the way I'd like to, and hope to remedy that with a couple of key folks in my life.

I'm ready.  Ready to be hungry, instead of filled up, as I too often am on trivialities and vanities, the illusion of control.  It will involve some discomfort, to be sure, but I know from experience that once I make some room, God is ready to fill me with so very many good things.

Musings on Self-Discipline

We are still waiting for "The Call".  It is two days past the baby's due date, so it could be anytime now.  It's amazing how much organizing and cleaning one can get done under the pressure of knowing that for the next 2-3 months it will be virtually impossible to do anything but the essentials for survival.  If only I could always be this motivated!

So, I had a light bulb moment this morning.  Something that should have been obvious, and yet wasn't.  And that is the necessity of self-discipline in establishing and adhering to my own routines.  For some time now I have been working with the children to establish their morning and evening routines, and have been amazed at how well they are doing with it, not to mention the difference it has made in terms of peace and order in our home.  It has taken firmness and consistent vigilance on my part to help them overcome their natural tendencies to shirk their duties, get distracted, or rush through and compromise the quality of their work.  This morning I realized that while I am doing a very good job of helping them to become more disciplined, I am not doing a good job at all of modeling discipline to them.

I am compulsive and easily distracted.  I get up in the morning and see so many things that need to be done immediately would be wonderful to accomplish when I have a spare moment.  This morning it was listing books and DVDs into PaperBackSwap and SwapaDVD (I must get rid of clutter!) and adding books to my PaperBackSwap wishlist (I must do this now or I'll certainly forget to do it!).  And all the while I'm still not dressed, haven't prayed, and haven't had breakfast (really unwise for someone in recovery from an eating disorder).  I go back and forth from the computer to monitoring the children's completion of their morning routine, and wonder why they can't stay focused on their tasks.  My bed isn't made, and my bedroom is a jumbled clutter of half-packed bags for our trip to Texas, one basket of folded laundry that needs to be put away, and the clothing, earrings, and hair clip I wore yesterday.  There is a load of laundry is sitting wrinkled in the dryer that I didn't want to take the time to put away (I was busy doing something else that had to be done right then - only it seems that almost all my laundry gets wrinkled in the dryer and has to be run through again [red-faced]). I get frustrated with the children because they make messes or get into things they shouldn't because I'm trying to compulsively get something done that I want to do instead of properly supervising them.  I get irritated with their resistance when I ask them to do something and expect immediate obedience with a cheerful attitude, and yet I cannot be obedient to the call of the dryer buzzer!

I could go on, but I think you get the picture.  I could beat myself up about these faults and imperfections, or I could be glad for this moment of clarity, excited about this opportunity to grow, and choose to devise a plan of action.  I think I'll go for the latter.  And so I shall put my morning routine in writing, recognizing that this is a goal to gradually strive for, not something I need to implement perfectly all at once (and that as soon as I have a newborn in the house, it will of necessity need to be different).  My mantras will be First Things First, Keep It Simple, and Take It Easy.

Action Plan Item #1 - Rise early, before the children wake up, fix myself some coffee, and do my spiritual reading/prayer/journaling.  This is absolutely essential for me to have peace throughout the day.  There is something about turning my thoughts and my heart to God, first thing in the morning.  Taking the time to think about the day ahead and to ask for help with the difficulties I expect to encounter and the vices I am working to eradicate keeps me humble.  It helps me to avoid my tendency to unconsciously slip into the mindset of trying to figure it all out and do it all by myself.

I know myself.  I can go for a few days, maybe even a week or so, without taking time to pray in the morning, but always, always, at some point, usually sooner rather than later, I hit the wall, crash and burn.  This could manifest itself as a restless and discontented irritability, with me struggling to white-knuckle patience (or failing altogether and snapping at the kids and making my husband miserable with my criticism), or as a feeling of anxiety or depression.

The solution is simple - pray and ask for help every morning.  When I do this consistently, my life goes oh-so-smoothly.  Not that I don't have difficult days, but patience and acceptance come with little or no effort, and I am serene.  So why do I slip out of this happy habit so easily?   I know the answer to this as well - the demon of perfectionism.  You see, if I'm going to do this right, it needs to be perfect.  The bedroom (where my prayer desk is located) should be completely orderly, candles lit, coffee in hand.  I must immediately settle myself into deep, undistracted prayer, and my spiritual reading should lead to the most amazing insights, each and every time.  I must know for certain that I have enough time to spend on this endeavor before the children begin to stir, otherwise why even bother to begin?   You see my dilemma.  I have set up for myself an impossibility.  This is an area where I need to realize that good enough is good enough.  That the perfect is the enemy of the good.  That something is better than nothing.  That all I am called to do is what I can, when I can.

And so, my resolution: at a minimum, each and every day upon rising, I will simply kneel and take the 1-2 minutes it takes to say my favorite morning offering prayer.  When I have more time, I can do more.  This will suffice.

Action Plan Item #2 -  Make bed and straighten bedroom, get dressed/fix hair, and clean up breakfast dishes before starting any other activities.  This is straight out of Flylady's suggested morning routine, and it works very well, when I do it consistently.  These tasks get my home ready for the day, keeps the routine work from piling up, and gets me into the right frame of mind for being useful and productive.

I don't honestly know which of these action items is harder for me.  They seem to go hand in hand, if I do one, I generally do well with the other one too, with the result being much more peaceful and smooth operating of my household.  But it is such an effort for me to fight my compulsive nature.  Something to take to my morning prayer, I suppose!

Adoption Update

It's been quite a while since I've posted and you all probably think it's because Brandon came home with us and I'm too busy to keep up with the blog.  Well, I am too busy to keep up with the blog right now, but not because Brandon is with us.  While we were in Hawaii visiting my parents (who are retired there) for most of December, we learned that Brandon's placement with us was not going to work out.  But, within a day, we got a call asking if we'd be interested in being considered for a baby girl due at the end of January.  Of course we said yes, and two weeks ago learned that we had been chosen to adopt her!

This baby is due in a little over a week, on January 29th, in Houston, Texas (we live in Michigan).  It has been just nutty around here, a whirlwind of activity!  Our homestudy, which is up to date in Michigan, is not current enough for Texas, so all of us needed to get physicals, bloodwork, TB tests, fingerprinted, criminal clearance checks, etc.  I've also been trying to cook a few meals for the freezer, and of course, get every room and closet completely organized and cleaned - high-gear nesting!

And there are so many logistics to be worked out.  When we get the call that Karla (the baby's birthmother) has gone into labor, Tom and I will hop on the next plane to be there for the birth.  If she decides to proceed with the placement, Karla will sign relinquishment documents 48 hours later, at which time the baby will be discharged from the hospital.  Tom will then fly back to Michigan to be with the boys and get back to work - he's at the university and cannot get away for that long in the middle of the term.  I will need to stay in Texas with the baby for another 10-12 days before I can legally bring the baby home.

We initially wanted to bring the boys with us to Texas, but decided against it since for the birth and the next 48 hours, they can't really be with us at the hospital, and there is no way I'd be able to take care of them, me, and a newborn by myself with nothing for them to do and no one for them to play with for the following 10-12 days.  So we decided to hire a trusted college-age sitter as a temporary nanny, and went out and purchased a laptop with built-in webcam so we can have video calls while we're gone.

I've had amazingly calm and serene about all of this, really no anxiety at all except the very natural concern about how the boys (and I!) will do being separated for two weeks.  I know that we could get the call at any moment, and there are still many things to be done, but I haven't felt stressed at all, just very focused and productive.   I trust that if this is God's will, everything will work out and I don't need to figure it all out or worry, I just need to do the next thing in front of me and ask God to take care of the rest.  And He has!  It's been fun to watch Him do it.  With no effort on my part save an email to friends stating our needs, we have been generously offered a private home to stay in which is less than 2 miles from the hospital, enough donor breastmilk to get us through the first two weeks in Texas, the loan of a bassinet, and that college-age sitter that I mentioned above to watch the boys?  She just happened to be off classes this term and in between jobs.  Not to mention the offers of meals, baby clothes, playdates for the boys while I'm gone, and more donor breastmilk for our use when we return.

I know full well that Karla could still change her mind, but feel at peace with that too.  My prayer is simply that she will have the wisdom and courage to make the best possible choice for her, her baby, and her other two daughters, and that she will have peace and consolation with her decision.  The thing that has been a little strange though is not having any time to just enjoy the anticipation of this new baby, or fully process and grieve the failure of Brandon's adoption.   I did have one moment of melt-my-heart sweetness when a friend brought over a bag of very pink baby sleepers, but aside from that it's been a mixture of busy preparation and taking every moment I can to snuggle and play with the boys before our impending separation.

Please pray for us, and stay tuned for more breaking news!

Tis the Season for Giving

We were introduced to Operation Christmas Child a couple of years ago through the MOPS group I attend - this was the outreach project we did as a group that year.  I thought it would be a nice way to help the kids appreciate the giving aspect of Christmas, so this year we are filling a shoebox for a 3 or 4 year old little boy and will drop it off to our local pregnancy resource center to be given to a local child in need.  Nathan and I had such fun packing our shoebox with the below items - I tell you we've never had such fun at Target's dollar spot!

Here's what Nathan chose for our box:

• Washcloth
• Toothbrush
• Candy
• Crayons
• Dominoes
• Small soccer ball and cones
• 2 stuffed fish
• Flashlight and extra batteries
• Wind-up snail
• Wooden airplane
• Wooden ball catch game
• Spinning top
• Bounce ball
• Balls in the holes puzzle
• Dinosaur figurine
• Stamp pad and ink set
• Slinky
• Balloon
• Pens
• Memo Pad

Feast of Christ the King

Our King Cake turned out yummy (so I'm told) and was fun and easy to make too.  Nathan also enjoyed our new tubes of glitter to make our crowns!

National Adoption Awareness Month

Mary Beth Bonacci of Real Love, Inc. gets it right again. 

We all picture ourselves in some sort of “Madonna and Child” setting, cuddling a perfect little infant whose eyes look exactly like ours.  Someone else’s child – perhaps even a child someone else has damaged – just doesn’t fit into the picture.

But maybe God has a different picture in mind. 

There are SO many children who need families to love them.  If only we would all, fertile and infertile alike, open our hearts and our homes to even one of these neediest of children, what a real difference we could make in the world.

And for those of us who have experienced infertility (and believe me, I get it!), when we get to the other side, when we fully surrender to God's desire for us to allow our suffering to become something redemptive, to give life in a way differently than we had expected, to see what a gift it truly is to have our parenting be more about giving than getting - what joy awaits us!  In a way, our calling is a opportunity to learn a higher, more noble, more selfless love.  And in that, we get so much more than we give - or ever expected.

On the last day, Jesus will say to those on His right hand, "Come, enter the Kingdom.  For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was sick and you visited me."  Then Jesus will turn to those on His left hand and say, "Depart from me because I was hungry and you did not feed me, I was thirsty and you did not give me to drink, I was sick and you did not visit me."  These will ask Him, "When did we see You hungry, or thirsty or sick and did not come to Your help?"  And Jesus will answer them, "Whatever you neglected to do unto one of these least of these, you neglected to do unto Me!"

Here are just a few of Michigan's waiting children (click on each for more information) - waiting for someone to love them - to be Christ to them.  Maybe it's you.  Maybe it's me.

Adoption News!

What a wonderful Thanksgiving, Advent, and Christmastime this will be - we are expecting!  Brandon has been in foster care since birth and has recently been made available for adoption.  He will be two at the end of January, only three months younger than Zachary!  I always wondered what it would be like to have twins, and it looks like I am about to find out.

There are many details we do not yet know, but we do know that we are meant to be his forever family, and he is meant to be our dearly beloved son.  A little over a month ago, you may recall that we had a couple of potential adoption situations in the works.  Brandon was one of them, and the other was a baby girl due in December.  We were open to and excited about both and would have taken both if we could have.  But here is what ended up happening ...

I had been very excited about Brandon in particular - more so even than the baby girl.  While we would love to be blessed with a daughter someday, my heart just went out to this little boy who, being older and full African-American, would have a harder time finding a good loving home.  I knew that he would thrive in our home, with two older brothers and two experienced parents to love him, and all the resources and developmental activities that we are able to offer in our home environment.

So, I called our social worker to see what was happening with Brandon and was informed that the agency was trying to decide between our family and another equally qualified and suitable couple who had no children yet.  As soon as I heard that, I asked that they bless this other couple with Brandon, as I vividly remembered what it felt like to be desperately desiring to be parents, and knew that the most important thing was that little Brandon end up in a loving, nurturing home.  I also knew that if God had more children in mind for us, I didn't need to try to manipulate or control anything, that he would arrange for those children to come to us at the right time.  In the meantime, the baby girl's birthmother decided to place her baby with another couple.  I was at complete peace with all of this.

Well!  Last Thursday we received a call asking if we were still interested in Brandon, as the other couple ended up declining him.  Their loss, our gain!!!  Of course we are interested, and so it seems that he was meant to be ours all along.  God is so very good.

We will be meeting with our social worker on Monday December 3rd to learn more about Brandon and how and when the transition process will happen.  In the meantime, PLEASE pray for me, as I do feel a bit overwhelmed with how much there is to do to prepare for our upcoming Christmas trip to Hawaii (my parents live there) and all the other preparations for Brandon's homecoming after the New Year.

Let's Talk Turkey

As a former personal chef and culinary instructor, one of the most frequent questions I get is that age-old question - how exactly does one achieve a moist, juicy, Thanksgiving turkey?  There are many approaches to this quest.  I'd like to share some of the things that work well for me.

#1 - Go natural.  I like a natural turkey.  Amish, fresh (never frozen), and not injected with butter-flavored chemicals (self-basting).  This is purely for taste.  I want to have control over what exactly my turkey is going to taste like.

#2 - Brine.  I like to brine my turkeys, just like I like to brine all my chicken and pork.  What is brine, you say?  It's exactly what it sounds like - a salt water solution that poultry or meat "marinates" in for a length of time, the purpose of which is to improve flavor, texture, and moisture content of lean cuts of meat.  This is basically the natural alternative to purchasing a self-basting bird.  But you get to control the ingredients.  You get to use kosher salt (avoiding the metallic taste of iodized table salt) and if you wish, you can add flavor enhancers such as herbs or honey.  Brining also gives a cushion to protect against overcooking.  If you accidentally overcook it by up to 10 degrees, it will still taste moist.

Brining is very easy, but does take a bit more advance planning.  I mix up my brine in a 5-gallon bucket (these can be purchased at your local home-improvement store) and brine my turkey overnight.  Here in Michigan the temperature in my garage during the night is usually just right - 35-40 degrees F.  If you can't manage that, you will need to find space in a refrigerator, a turkey ideally needs to soak for 8 hours for maximum flavor development.

But won't it taste salty, you ask?  Amazingly, no.  It WILL however taste like the most succulent, flavorful turkey you ever tasted.  You'll wonder why you waited so long to try it, and from now on you'll reach for the kosher salt every time you make that Sunday roast chicken.

#3 - Air dry.  I like to remove the turkey from the brine early in the morning on Thanksgiving Day, stuff it (for me, that's just with aromatics such as onion, carrot, celery, and herbs), put it on the V-rack in the roasting pan breast side up, then refrigerate uncovered to allow the skin to completely dry before roasting.  This ensures the most deliciously crisp skin ever.

#4 - Cook breast side down.  At least for the first 2/3 to 3/4 of the cooking time, then flip right side up.  This allows all the cooking juices to settle into the breast instead of draining down out of the breast.  No more dried out breast meat!

#5 - Use a remote temperature probe to monitor internal temperature and program it to beep when the target temperature has been reached.  Since the turkey needs to rest (see below) for 20-30 minutes before carving, and the internal temperature will continue to climb from residual heat during this time, it's important to take the turkey out of the oven before it reaches the serving temperature.  I take my turkey out when the breast meat has reached 165 degrees and by the time I carve half an hour later, it's perfectly cooked.

#6 - Let it rest.   Any meat that is to be cut, be it a steak, chop, or bird, needs to rest before cutting to allow time for the juices to redistribute evenly throughout the meat.   Otherwise, all the juices will just shoot out onto your plate when you cut into it, and voila - dry meat.  The larger the item, the longer it needs to rest.  Five minutes will do for a steak, but that 15 pound turkey will take around half an hour.  Which is a good thing, when you need to reheat all those luscious sides anyways!

And now for the recipe:

PERFECT ROAST TURKEY

Brine Solution

2 gallons water
1 lb kosher salt
14 ounces honey
6 bay leaves
20 peppercorns
fresh thyme or parsley stems

1 12-15 pound turkey
1 onion, rough chopped
1 carrot, rough chopped
1 stalk celery, rough chopped
1 tablespoon unsalted butter, melted
2 sprigs fresh thyme

4 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
2 cloves garlic, minced
2 teaspoons minced fresh thyme

Bring all brine ingredients to a boil, then chill. Submerge turkey in chilled brine in a large stockpot or plastic bucket, a minimum of 4 hours, or overnight for 8 hours, either in the refrigerator or in a cold garage (34-40 degrees). In the morning, remove turkey from brine, rinse well, and allow to air dry on rack in the refrigerator over sheet pan or roasting pan, 8-24 hours.

Heat oven to 400 degrees. Toss onion, celery, and carrot with melted butter and thyme sprigs in medium bowl. Place mixture inside cavity of turkey. Combine 4T softened butter, minced garlic, and fresh thyme, rub over turkey skin. Truss turkey.

Roast breast side down on foil-lined V-rack over roasting pan 1 hour, 15 minutes. Carefully flip bird breast side up (be careful not to tear the skin) and season with salt and pepper. Continue roasting until breast meat reaches 165 degrees, approximately 30-45 minutes longer. Remove turkey from oven and allow to rest, tented with foil, 20-30 minutes. Carve and serve.

NOTES:

• Do not brine basted, injected, or kosher turkeys (these already have salt enhancement)
• A 12-15 pound turkey feeds 10-12 people. To feed more people, it is better to roast two smaller birds if your oven size permits. The larger the turkey, the greater the likelihood that it will be overcooked.
• If your turkey has a pop-up timer, I recommend removing it. They are calibrated to pop when the dark meat is done, ensuring that the breast meat overcooks.

Advent Plans

Advent will soon be here and it's time to plan!  I love Advent, that time of preparation prior to the Feast of the Nativity.  If Christmas is our celebration of the day when the Light came into the world, then Advent must be a time of darkness (since the light isn't here yet), of expectant waiting, of preparing for the Christ Child to be born in our hearts.  In contrast to the crass commercialism of malls decked out in so much glitz and glitter, blaring "holiday" music ever more devoid of references to Christ as each year passes, in a Catholic Christian home the tree isn't put up or decorated until just before Christmas Day.  Christmas lights aren't turned on until Christmas Eve, and the music that is played is Advent music - the Christmas carols and parties and feasting are not done before the fact, but saved for the Twelve Days of Christmas.

And so with this in mind, here are our Advent traditions.  Some are old, some are new, all help us to more fully appreciate the most wonderful Gift of all.

The Advent Wreath

The Advent Wreath is such a wonderful a way to involve even the youngest children in learning about this period of preparation. The wreath's symbolism of the advent (coming) of Light into the world is clear. The gradual lighting of the four candles, one on each Sunday of the Advent season, combined with the liturgical colors of the candles, help to symbolize not only our expectation and hope in Our Savior's first coming into the world, but also in his Second Coming as Judge at the end of the world.  The purple candles in particular symbolize the prayer, penance, and preparatory sacrifices and good works undertaken at this time. The rose candle is lit on the third Sunday, Gaudete Sunday, when the priest also wears rose vestments at Mass.  Gaudete Sunday is the Sunday of rejoicing, because we have arrived at the midpoint of Advent, when our preparation is now half over and we are very close to Christmas. The wreath itself is also symbolic. The circle of evergreen in which the candles are placed represents everlasting life.  In our family, the Advent wreath is lit as we sit down to dinner, using the beautiful prayers found here.

Preparation of the Manger

Speaking of Advent being a time for penance, sacrifice, and good works, what better way to help our children prepare their hearts to receive the Christ Child than by allowing them to prepare His manger.  This custom originated in France, then spread to Germany and other European countries.  The children prepare a soft bed for Jesus by using little wisps of "straw" as tokens of their sacrifices and good works.  Every time the child performs a kindness or act of generosity, etc., they get to place another straw in the manger.

We tried this last Advent for the first time and it truly helped our oldest son, then age three, to make real strides in virtue development.  As I recall, at that time we were working on cheerful obedience without resistance or hesitation.  He made beautiful progress, because it was so easy for him to see how his good works added up over time and how they could be so pleasing to Jesus.  As far as behavior modification techniques go, we find this far superior to "You better watch out, you better not cry"!

We used a beautiful wicker basket as a manger, but a wooden crate from a box of clementines would perhaps be even more appropriate, and could even be painted or decorated as a supplemental craft.  For straw, we used yellow yarn, which Nathan enjoyed snipping off one strand at a time with a blunt pair of scissors we kept in the basket.  On Christmas morning, the children woke to find that Jesus had been born during the night - the manger had been placed under the tree with a newborn baby doll wrapped in swaddling clothes.  Tom and I were amazed to see that their first desire, even before ripping apart their gifts, was to tenderly hold and speak to Jesus and tell Him how much they loved him and were so glad to see Him, a truly beautiful sight for any parent to behold!

The Jesse Tree

Excerpted from this site: The Jesse Tree is a centuries-old family Advent devotion that has enjoyed a resurgence of popularity in recent years.  It has particular value since it helps both kids and adults alike to locate Jesus, the Messiah, within the lineage of the shepherd boy who became King of Israel--David, son of Jesse. The whole idea of the Jesse Tree comes right out of a classic Advent passage from the prophet Isaiah: "A shoot will sprout from the stump of Jesse; from his roots a Branch will bear fruit" (Is 11:1).  The Jesse Tree is hung with ornaments representing Old Testament people and events leading up to Jesus.  The traditional symbols hung on the tree are based on the genealogy of Jesus as recounted by the first chapter of the Gospel of St. Matthew."

All you really need for this project is a homemade drawing of a tree that can be taped to a wall or hung on your refrigerator. Or you can make a Jesse tree by putting a few tree branches in a pot filled with gravel or sand, or using a tabletop Christmas tree on which to hang Jesse tree ornaments.

This will be our first year implementing this tradition, and I'm going to start simply by downloading these symbols on card stock and laminating them.  Then each evening after dinner, we will reflect on these readings along with the symbols of this ancient tradition. Perhaps in the future I will attempt something more crafty, there are lots of incredibly beautiful ideas from the amazing women at the 4RealLearning forums here.

Please meet this special young lady

Learn about Courtney's Campaign and meet her inspiring, courageous parents.

Please Pray

for sweet baby Kyle and his mom and dad, Kelly and John.

Pint-Sized Perfectionism?

I've noticed that if my 4-1/2 year old can't do something well or perfectly the first time or two he tries, he gets frustrated and refuses to keep trying.  I worry about him being/becoming a perfectionist, something that can be debilitating and harm one's self-concept.  But that's probably me just reading more into it than is there - I've talked to a few other moms about this and they all say their kids also do/did this at this age.

What do I do about it? I'm taking an online Montessori training course right now and one of the guidelines in Montessori is to avoid criticizing the child and telling him he is doing something wrong.  For example, if I am teaching a young child his colors, and I ask him to hand me the blue item, and he hands me the yellow one, instead of saying "No, that's not blue, that's yellow", I could say "Thank you for the yellow block, may I please have the blue block?"  The child still learns his colors that way but doesn't have to feel bad about making mistakes as he learns.  If I think about it, it isn't really "wrong" for a child to mispronounce new words, hold a pencil incorrectly at first, etc.  It's a "normal" part of learning new things.

Another approach would be to observe which things he is struggling with, or doing incorrectly, or is ready to learn next, then set up activities for him where he can discover for himself the skills/errors and correct them of his own initative as he learns. This is pretty much what Montessori is all about.  If, for example, a child is insisting that the word volcano begins with "b", I might invite him to look at a book or website on volcanoes with me.  I would allow him to notice without any prompting from me (a challenge for sure!) that it begins with "v", not "b".  Then at a later time, I would ask him what the word volcano begins with to see if he has learned the correct beginning letter/sound.

I've also been trying to become more conscious of how I handle my learning curve when I'm attempting something new or difficult.  Instead of getting angry and irritable, putting the task down and not returning to it, (or asking my husband to do it for me), I try to model the behavior I'd like my son to exhibit.  If I notice myself starting to feel frustrated, I'll start to say things out loud in a pleasant tone of voice, maybe with a little humor, like "Wow, this isn't easy!  I'm feeling a little frustrated because it's hard to learn how to do new things.  But I know if I take a deep breath and keep trying, I'll keep getting better a little at a time until I can do it!".  Then if after a while I'm still struggling, I might say something like "Hmmm, I think that's enough trying this for now, I'm going to take a break and do something else for a while, and try this again later." Or "Hmmm, maybe I need to ask for some help from someone who knows how to do this," or "maybe I can find a book or a DVD at the library to help me learn more about this" or whatever.

Lastly, I am learning to notice and praise his effort and the process, not so much the "getting it right" or the finished product of his effort.  He deserves to feel good about himself just for trying his best and persevering.  If he receives positive reinforcement for being constant in those two things, he will almost certainly continue to enjoy learning, even when it's difficult, and will be equipped to become proficient at not all, but many things.